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[22 Dec 2009|02:40am] |
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Miles away, and I wish this didn't mean so much to me.
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[17 Sep 2009|10:11pm] |
Do you remember how we met? Silhouetted by the lights. You were drunk and tried to take a mental picture with your hands. I was thinking about that and a bunch of other things. Stop looking at the floor; I need to pour out this expansive dose of words.
I can't explain. I need to be alone.
I know the timing isn't great, but these things, you just can't plan. I just need a little time so I can find myself again. Cause I get buried underneath all the things they think you are and I'm too tired to pretend it doesn't hurt to be left out.
I had a pocket full of dreams, but I gave them all to you. Now I think I want them back, so can you tell me if I'm crazy or confused? Don't ever change the way you are; I've never loved anyone more.
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[17 Feb 2009|02:24am] |
i never update.
i know.
life is life.
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[11 Nov 2008|12:56am] |
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He leaves for Afghanistan in three months and I've never been more scared in my entire life.
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[02 Nov 2008|11:04pm] |
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I, the almost dirty mistress, happen to be getting your girlfriend, the one of two years, a ride, a long expensive one, to see you, the person who makes me the most happy and the one I've been chasing for about two years now. Just so you can make your relationship, the one that's almost completely broken (!!!), stronger. Why? So you, who's happiness matters more than mine, can be happy.
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[26 Oct 2008|07:07pm] |
fuck you beer!
fuck you because you made me text joey!
worst. hangover. ever.
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[24 Oct 2008|02:43am] |
Soo! Instead of texting Dan a million times to tell him to come back from home, I'll write it out here!
BUH! Dan is the incredibly good looking boy I run with all the time (Kendra, he's the one Les saw me with that one time, and yyyyyyyyeah). He's good looking. Yeah. Emphasis on the good looking. And very nice. And he needs to come back here. Stat. Okay bye bye.
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[19 Sep 2008|01:34am] |
Yay! A real update!
Life up here is getting easier, I think? I hope.
I have two boys I'm working with up here. Fuck Joey. I'll rant about that soon enough. One kid is from home but goes to TCC/FSU (NOT BRAD, Kendra!) (oh that's right, Brad doesn't go to either. BAH HAHA). I used to work with this kid. He's honestly my favorite person to be around. I know when I'm around him I could say anything and he would just look at me and smile. He's so awesome. Words can not explain it. He has a girlfriend though, for almost two years. Kills me a 'lil bit. Then there's Matt. He's in one of my classes and he's pretty nifty. Yesterday was a little awkward (I really really don't feel like elaborating. Very humiliating.) and now I'm very.. distant to him. He was pretty alskdakd;lsakd;lakd;laskdamazing at first. But after yesterday, I'd have to pass almost. Still a fun having option. ;)
Now for this fuckbag. I subtly hint that there's other boys in my life (I always thought he just knew. I mean, I'm me?). Anywhoo. He writes back saying "honestly, whatever. Do what you want. I'm just not gonna be here anymore. I'm not gonna keep treating Steph like shit in hopes of keeping you around. I'm done. Whatever we had and all of our chances could never get on the same page. Enjoy your Sundays, Dane Cook jokes, and Jack's Mannequin songs. Just don't associate them with me anymore, I'm done." Says the fucking dickhead with a girlfriend? He's the biggest hypocritical selfish piece of shit ever. I'm perfectly content with not talking to him. He'll miss me and regret everything he's said to me when I'm gone and when he's in Iraq. Gah. I deserve to be treated so much better. Now I'm angry lol
I thank you Kendra for getting me out when you do and feeding me. It means SO much to me.
I have to go study.
<3
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[09 Sep 2008|02:09am] |
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The search is over and I know it.
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[01 Sep 2008|04:18pm] |
Nothing is more amazing than going to sleep at night with someone next to you. A few days ago I met this kid and he's been really awesome. Needless to say he stayed over last night (nothing happened) but it was SO nice to have someone to cuddle with. Having my back scratched forever felt amazing. :)
Joey is still crazy about me and always will be (according to him). So that makes me feel good. We'll get married in five years and have a mexican baby and have a penguin named Mufasa and I'm okay with that.
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[25 Aug 2008|08:57pm] |
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So much to write. I'm so distracted. I feel like crying. Yet I should be elated.
Move in was good. Got here. Got settled. Whatever.
When I first got here all the boys I saw looked like nothing. Looking at them made me want to be with Joey more than anything in the world. On Friday I asked him if there was any other girls. He said no but he's met people. I said okay. I told him that I'd commit to him. And he basically said he'd need time to think about it. Come Sunday Facebook decides to tell me he's in a relationship. With a girl from WPB. She went to Lake Worth. It drove me WILD because I figured at least if he was going to do this to me, at least make it someone from California. Make it someone who he can go cuddle with and quit bitching about getting laid and go get him some sex with. But a girl from here? WHY. I texted him saying "as long as you're happy" and called it that. I cried for like ten minutes before I almost felt relieved. Relieved that I can have worry free fun with boys. And now that I'm here in this library, I've never felt more alone. My roommates trying to put a smile on my face, but if she wasn't so much of a whore then maybe I'd smile. I've met close to no one here. I try focusing on my grades and school but my mind drifts off and I just get sad. I lost my best friend. I suppose I saw it coming for a while now but I never wanted to accept it.
I miss talking to you, sitting with you, leaning on you, hugging you, laughing with you, walking with you. Although arguably it was never so much talking as it was understanding -- we can sit on opposite ends of a room and stare at each other, and we would be able to find an infinite number of conversations in each other's gaze. That, I find, is not possible with anyone else; with you gone I feel disconnected from the rest of the world. Like someone ripped me out of our safety bubble and threw me out into a sea of cold, hostile faces. Maybe this is retribution for shutting out the rest of the world from time to time, but does anyone really deserve retribution for finding warmth, security, for finding a home in someone? Times like these I am reminded of just how much I need you (and that little hope that perhaps, perhaps, you need me too). Not that I need reminding; your absence weighs heavier than all the things in this reality combined, and that's saying something. I'd tell you right now, again and again, that I miss you, but the words dilute my meaning, as any combination of words inevitably will, because there will never be any set capable of conveying the immensity of this space you've left in my being. People are starting to say that it's dependence. They talk like you're a drug and i'm a junkie, but what they don't understand is how this bond of ours is the kind that burns, not with addiction, but with indispensability.
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[13 Aug 2008|12:53am] |
I'd like to think this is the beginning of the next chapter in my life.
I officially moved out and I am officially on the road to starting my next chapter. I'm writing this in a North Carolina hotel room -- more furious than ever.
Joey has become some foreign person to me. It started by him not really talking to me for about two days. I mean, two days, no big deal. But when your entire relationship is based on the telephone, it is a big deal to me. I didn't get angry or get sarcastic like I tend to do because I understand there's a lot going on with his family, but when he finally texts me saying how he's "at the movies" it makes me a little angry. Couldn't you have took fifteen seconds out of that 48 to text me to say "hey, I'm busy." That's all I would have asked for. And now we're back to it again where he's decided to not say anything to me. I sure as hell am not trying anymore. This relationship/friendship/whatthefuckevership has two sides.
It's also not enjoyable to get the same chick leave him comments everyday about he much she needs to be near him and with Jack's Mannequin lyrics. Makes me feel all warm and fuzzy inside.
Other than that, I've been okay. I've been spending a good amount of time with Anthony Pug (not sure how many of you guys know him). He's an all around awesome person. He smokes a little too much ganja, but he's a good person. He also makes me smile, so really that's all that matters.
Part of me is ready to go to school and enjoy life. Part of me is scared to death. I have no idea what to expect. I have no idea if I'll enjoy community bathrooms. Or if I'll enjoy watching my sister through a computer screen.
My main goal is somewhat to enjoy being myself. I don't want to drag any of the Lake Worth drama with me. I want to enjoy spending time with myself, and not feel obligated to go hang out with my friends. I always enjoy me time, and down here, I never get enough.
That's all I can ramble on about for tonight. I'll write after I move in.
"When I was younger, I always thought that
I’d have a chance to sit and look back
And be happy with the decisions I’ve made
The actions took, and the words I’ve said
But if you believe everything you’re told
Then you’re a product bought and sold
A lifeless dummy in a shop glass
Without a future, present, or a past.
It's my body.
It's my life.
It's my choice."
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[22 Jul 2008|11:48pm] |
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Everything is so fucked up in my life that I don't know what to do.
My birthday was swell. And my birthday party was even better.
I invited like thirty people but only about ten came. Which was okay with me because the people that went were a majority of the people I wanted there. I've been hanging out with Ryan (Amber's cousin; old fling; he fucked me over around graduation time; he's now single) and he was there. We basically sat in the pool for all of eternity but it was fun. I ended up "being" with Ryan a majority of the evening. I enjoyed the attention and didn't think much of it. I decided that honesty was the best policy though. And if things with Joey are going to go the way they are, I needed to be honest.
I texted Joey around one Saturday once everyone left and told him that I kissed Ryan. He said "should I just start calling you Bridget now?" I told him to go fuck himself. He said how hurt he felt and all this shit. Part of me was like wow, really? But then he got belligerent -- partly because he was drinking. He calls me at three and said I have five minutes to explain everything. I was sleeping and rambling and then he hung up on me. I woke up in the worst mood ever.
The past few days now I'm in my I don't give a shit moods, but I do. We always give a shit.
I realized that I don't want to lose him. I've liked him since FRESHMAN year. And now that it's my opportunity to date him; I'm not? It doesn't make sense. I don't know what to expect when I go to school. I don't know what to expect in a year. I don't know what to expect to happen in Iraq. I don't know how to feel. I don't want to be in this situation -- it's about all I'm sure of.
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[06 Jul 2008|11:56pm] |
So he's such a butthead. My lord.
So after ignoring me all the way up to Saturday I was pretty just unhappy with him. He knows that that's the one thing that makes me angry. Let's begin with.. Friday. We go to the Fourth on Flagler where he was supposed to meet up with Amber & I but he never did. Then he was supposed to come hang out with Amber, Matt, & I but never did. Saturday rolls around and he never answers my phone calls but answers Amber's. Totally killed me. We get to his house around 5pm and he says hi to everyone except for me. I blew it off and went and talked to his mom for a while. He finally comes up to me and takes me outside. He seemed pretty upset. He tells me that over the past two weeks he's wanted to be in a relationship with me and was willing to give 100% to make it work. But for the past three days he just didn't have that desire anymore. I said okay. He said that he didn't like how I pushed his buttons and thought I could "get away with it." I told him he was being a hypocrite because I told him I'd stop and yet he continued to ignore me, which pushed my buttons. How can he expect me to stop when he's doing it right back? He told me he isn't going to reenlist because he misses his family and his friends. He said his family is getting too old and he can't waste that time away from them. He said once he's done he's going to FSU or TCC. Somewhere in Tally cause he loves FSU, apparently. I told him if he goes to Tally that I'd probably be with him then. The thing is, he has two years left. He comes home again for Christmas and then goes back to Iraq in March through November. Then the June after that he is done for good. He said he's so scared because he knows I'll meet someone at FSU and he'll think that I'll forget about him. I told him that wasn't true. I told him no matter what happens he'll still be my best friend. So we agreed that we'd wait and see where life stands after two years. So we leave Joey's and go to Matt's friends house because it's one of his friends birthday. I get a call from Joey around 11pm and he sounds SO upset. He wouldn't tell me what was wrong, but he just wanted to talk to me in person. So I go over there and we sit in my car and he just seemed to upset. He said he wishes he could stop liking me so much and he wishes I wasn't so cute so he could stay mad at me (I chuckled, lol). At some point Michael Buble "Quando, Quando, Quando" came on the CD and he made me get out and dance with him in his driveway. I felt silly. :) He told me he wants to be with me. He said he wishes I knew what I wanted. I said I was in a tough spot because I just wasn't sure. I said something, I forgot what, but he responded with "well someone has to save the world" and got out and left. I think he left because he was about to cry. We're back to square one now where he's ignoring me again.
75% of the time I just want to stay where I'm at with him. Friends. Enjoy my time at college. Etc.
25% of me just wants to be with just him. He's my best friend. We're exactly alike. I'm the happiest person in the world when I'm with him. I don't know how I'd make it work. But for him, I'd figure it out. Like I said, that's only 25% of the time. I'm a very jealous person when it comes to him and I know he'll find a girl in Cali and I'd hate that. I always thought about if something happened to him in Iraq, I would have missed out on that opportunity. I've always wanted this opportunity and now that I have it, I'm not taking it? I just don't know. I've always lived for today, not tomorrow, because tomorrow may never come.
He leaves Tuesday and I know that tomorrow (today) will be the last time I see him until Christmas. I'm going to write him a letter explaining everything. He gave me his dog tags. He said I was the only one he trusted with them (they have everything on there, social security number, blood type, everything). It doesn't look right with my pooka shells so I might give him those. When I mentioned it in the car he seemed happy about it. I just don't know what to do. I hate it.
I know what's the right thing to do; that's my head speaking. But I know what I want to do; that's my heart speaking. So what do I choose, my heart or my head?
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[21 Jun 2008|05:51pm] |
Okay. I'm really really really really really really really fed up.
Do I look like the kind of person who LOVES to be led on just to turn around and get a girlfriend? Do I have a sign on my back that says "hey, pretend like you wanna be with me then go get a girlfriend"?
What the fuck.
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[09 Jun 2008|11:45pm] |
I just have this gut feeling that he's going to fuck me over like the others did.
He's going to come back from California and shits going to be great,
and then when he leaves,
it's all going to be done with and he's going to go back to that girl.
It makes me so sick to think about it.
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[19 May 2008|03:56am] |
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It's like one of those things where you just have to look at their picture and you can't help but flip out with happiness.
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[12 May 2008|02:00am] |
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It's been a while since I've posted. A lot has been happening!
FSU planning has been sick and crazy. So much to handle all at once. I changed my major to psychology which makes me so happy. I should find out about housing in June. I've decided not to do Chiefs so I could winterguard. Peyton & I are going to do River City baby! I can't wait until August. :)
School is done. Now it's all the little graduation events. Kind of annoying, but kind of exciting. I ended up not getting a D in chem. Thank you god. One A two B's two C's. When I get to FSU, they're changing.
I had surgery on my nose! It went very well. The tip of my nose is still numb, couldn't tell you why, but it's pretty again!
At Amber's party (before I went to banquet) I started talking to her cousin. He's a pretty cool kid who actually listens to me. Amber calls him my husband. Weird? lol I like him though. Too bad he lives in Jupiter.
I didn't go to prom. I didn't feel like wasting all that money for what, four hours of sweating? I don't know. I'm satisfied with my decision. Saras was alright, but I had to babysit the next day so I left. Plus I would have slept on the floor or something.
Oh yeah. The Motion City & Panic show was amazing. I felt like peeing my pants I was so excited.
Mhm. Happy summer!
:)
PS, hii my now reading brother!
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[02 May 2008|04:14pm] |
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I do love me some Paul.
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[01 May 2008|12:45am] |
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I still can not believe that I am going to Florida State University.
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